Hormones and Heartbreaks

My transfer day was amazing. Cliff, my mom, and Cliffs mom were all out of town on the day of the transfer so the person who accompanied me was Cody. Yes, I am referring to my teddy bear as a person. 🐻 I was 100% fine going through the transfer with just Cody and here’s the crazy reason why… After looking back at the last 2 1/2 years, I feel like I have come a long way. I am a strong person but in the beginning, I am not sure I would have been capable of doing that alone. The ability to go through the transfer on my own was a big deal to me. I was able to prove to myself how strong I have become in this journey. Having people to lean on is absolutely, without a doubt, a necessity when dealing with infertility. But this, I needed to do alone.

Cody held my hand after they put the wristband on me and let me talk his ear off while we waited to go to the transfer room. Once I was in position, I am laying there with my legs in the air and my lady parts all kinds of exposed expecting my doctor and the nurse (who I love to pieces) to come in. Then walks in the 2 girls who helped get me ready for transfer.. okay that’s cool.. they have already seen my lady parts so I guess they can join too. When all 4 of them were in the room, I asked if anyone else would be joining the party. That’s when the embryologist walked in. 5 people now stood casually around my very visible lady parts. 🤦🏼‍♀️ 5 people, myself, and Cody were all ready to do this thing! Woot! Lets go! 😄

The most amazing part was that I got to watch the transfer on a screen! My doctor talked me through the whole thing and I watched as they got the catheter in place and he yelled “READY!” to the embryologist who was waiting in the next room. He took our little embryos out of the incubator and literally ran into the room to hand them off to my doctor. My doctor said “okay here we go.. 3.. 2.. 1..” and I watched on the screen as 2 little burst of light shot into my uterus right where he wanted them to implant. The embryologist ran out of the room again to check under a microscope that the embryos were for sure no longer in the catheter and he yelled “ALL CLEAR!” And it was done.. and it was the most magical thing I have ever witnessed. They had me lay there for about 10 minutes and I spent the entire time holding tightly to Cody and praying. 🙏🏼

Once I headed home I realized I was the definition of Schrödinger’s Cat. I was both pregnant and not pregnant at the same time. 🤔 So what does someone in that situation do?? She obsesses over every single twinge, cramp, and emotion that she’s feeling. I couldn’t help it. Multiple times that day I would catch myself saying “OoOoO what was that?? Is that them implanting? Are you figuring things out in there little embryos??” But the only thing I really could do was wait.. the worst 2 week wait of my life! Not because I had to wait but because this was the closest I had ever been to actually being pregnant and its hard not to get excited about that! I have waited to be in this position for over 2 1/2 years! And I was happy 😍

Every day I did my best to not freak out at every little thing I felt but lets be real.. of course I freaked out at every little thing I was feeling! They had me continue all of my hormone meds which included the insert 3 times a day, the patch that had to be changed every 2 days and my oh-so-wonderful daily shot. I went about my days like normal, throwing myself into work and doing things around my house to keep me as distracted as I possibly could. I tried not to get too excited every time I felt something or had a spontaneous cry session about absolutely nothing or the fact that I felt exhausted. Each time my heart fluttered at the thought that it might be a pregnancy symptom but my head kept telling me it could all be explained simply because of the medications I was on. If my heart and my head would get on the same page, this obsessing over things would be a whole lot easier.🙄

Yesterday was 9 days after the transfer and my doctor wanted to do a blood test. They promised to call the second they got the results and when I saw “Dr. K’s Office” on my phone, I think I stopped breathing. Since I have talked with him at least once a week for the past 2 years, as soon as I heard the tone of his voice, I knew..

The blood test was negative.. the transfer didn’t work. I am not pregnant. 😢

I try to do my best to keep my posts real but uplifting for the most part because that’s how I like to view life even when tough things are happening, but today I am going to be selfish and I feel like that’s okay.. We are heartbroken and devastated. 💔 There is no other way to say it. I have spent the last 9 days trying to stay calm and telling myself that this exact situation was a real possibility so I wouldn’t get my hopes up too much. But nothing prepares you for news like that no matter how much you think you are ready for it. It just doesn’t make sense because being pregnant would have explained everything.. the way my body was feeling, the way my emotions were all over the place, the way everything just felt different.. I guess even if you do everything right, sometimes life just refuses to go your way.

Where we go from here, we haven’t fully decided yet. That’s a topic for another day. Today we take the time to grieve, cry, talk it out, and maybe have some vodka drinks and break a few dishes just because we can. We lost a big battle yesterday, but this war isn’t over. And when we are ready, we will get up together and keep pushing forward with Operation Baby Litherland.

RIP little embryos.. I’m sorry.. We tried ♥