There is no easy way to start this one so I’m just going to jump right in.. after healing from the 3rd surgery, we have had 5 months of trying to get prego with fertility treatments. All unsuccessful.. obviously.. So we have now officially jumped on the IVF bandwagon. Our doctor is getting concerned that if we wait too much longer, my fibroids will start coming back in a way that will prevent pregnancy and the last thing I want to do is have surgery #4.
Over the past few days we have been telling our friends and family that we are starting prep for IVF and I got the same first question from everyone.. how are you doing? This is not an easy question to answer and the only thing I could really say to them was.. I don’t know.. I still don’t really know.. but I think the only way for me to figure it out is to just be honest with everything that’s going on in my head. Again, not an easy thing to do.. but lets give it a shot shall we?
Are you ready for the complex world that is my head right now? I hope so because here is the open and honest truth.. I feel like there are different parts of me competing for the top spot of who gets to control my emotions.
♦There is the part of me that I have always been. Positive, upbeat, hopeful and happy Danae. Just throw some glitter around and know that everything is going to be fine. We will tackle this with our heads up like we have with everything else and pray that this is the thing that works. This part knows that God would not give me something I can’t handle so all I need to do is trust that, stay strong, and keep going..
♦Another part of me feels like a failure. I feel like I have failed my husband and our families. I mean come on, my lady parts had one job.. ONE JOB.. and it cant seem to get its act together to do the one thing it was genetically designed to do. (Just FYI, I have the most amazing husband, parents, and in-laws and I know none of them would ever think that I have failed them and they wouldn’t want me to think that either.) Even though I truly believe that, it doesn’t stop me from feeling this way sometimes.
♦Then there is the part that is absolutely and undeniably terrified. IVF was supposed to be our backup plan. Actually, more like our backup plan for our backup plan. We were not supposed to have to jump right to this so quickly. This part of me keeps the “what-ifs” on a constant loop in the back of my mind.. what if this doesn’t work? what if its too late and the fibroids are back? what if we have to go through surgery #4? what if my body cant handle that and our chances are already over? The “what ifs” go on and on and on.. This part has the ability to stop me in my tracks and create an instant panic-like feeling that is so hard to break free from.
♦Part of me is just.. well.. sad. And not just a little sad. But the kind of sad that is fueled by memories of what we have already gone through with no success and the uncertainty of what’s ahead. With IVF comes with the continuation of stressful daily shots I have to give myself. I hate shots, they make me sad, and as of today, I am on shot #72. You would think I would be an expert by now but stabbing myself in the stomach every day and waiting for the burning pain to stop doesn’t get any easier.
♦Lastly, there is the part that is excited. Overly excited actually! IVF is going to give us the best shot at getting pregnant that we have ever had. There are so many stories about people who have been in a similar situation as we are and IVF is what came to the rescue. This part tries to remind me that this could be it! This could actually be the thing that starts the next phase of our family and makes everything from the past 2 years completely worth it. I try to keep this excited feeling going as much as I possibly can!
So how do I honestly feel about starting IVF?? One feeling just doesn’t describe me properly. I feel like I am a positive, happy, terrified, sad, and excited failure who will get up tomorrow and soldier on like I have every day before it. I’m going to be okay and one day I will succeed with crying, screaming, messy, adorable kids and be simply, happy. Despite the constant craziness running around in my head 24/7, we still have hope and that’s more than enough to keep me going. Also.. dancing around our house sprinkling glitter everywhere helps too 🙂 ♥
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