My love/hate relationship with May 15th

Yes, yes I know.. I was supposed to put up this post like a week ago. 🤪 In my defense, I have had TONS of adulting to do! Also, if this was posted last week, it would have been written with sad words and powered by my stream of tears. No one wants to read that and I for sure didn’t want to write it. So instead, I have chosen to wait until today to explain this current saga of nonsense with IVF/infertility. Why today you ask?? Because today was supposed to be our transfer day. 😢 May 15th. In my mind, this was the perfect day because not only was it finally happening but its the day before Cliffs birthday and that made us happy. Soooooo once again, what happened??

Last Tuesday I had my ultrasound which was supposed to give us the “good-to-go” thumbs up from the doctor for transfer. Well, I was already nervous/stressed going into this because the first time I went to this type of appointment, I found out I was having surgery #4 instead of a transfer day. So round 1 obviously did not go well and I was partially terrified that round 2 was going to have the same result. Even though I am not prepping for surgery again, the result from round 2 ultrasound was just as bad. 😞 As it turns out, I had some fluid in my uterine cavity in like the worst place possible. Right where we would want to implant those 2 little embryos we currently have frozen.. in someone’s freezer lol (that always makes me laugh when I think about it 😋)

Anyways! The doctor was obviously not happy with the fluid and explained that it was most likely left over from my last lady time I just finished. Unfortunately that means that my body simply did not heal as quickly as we were hoping for from surgery #4. On the outside, we were pumped and ready to do this thing.. on the inside, my body was saying ummmmm… how about no??? And as you can probably guess, I was devastated. I was so incredibly grateful that Cliff was home and able to be there with me when I got that news. They put me on an estradiol patch and said they wanted to see me again on Thursday. They hoped the patch would thicken the uterus lining and get rid of the fluid. Even though there was still a small glimmer of hope that everything could look okay on Thursday and we could continue, I knew in my heart that wasn’t going to happen. I know my body well enough after all of this that when it says no to something, it isn’t joking.. This is one of those times where instead of me having control over my body, my body has complete control over me. 😠 DUMB!

Oh! One thing to add really quick.. when they put me on that patch Tuesday, I got to start my daily shots.. great.. And again I say, DUMB! 😡

Well my appointment Thursday went exactly how I expected. Yes, my lining had thickened but some of the fluid was still there which sealed the deal that no transfer was going to happen this month. ∗sigh∗ They had me remove the estradiol patch at the office and told me I needed to do my daily shot on Thursday and Friday and then I could stop. So as of Friday, I have done shot #146. On the positive side, they didn’t make me go do any blood work because.. well.. there was no point now.. so I didn’t have to get stuck with a needle and that’s always a good thing 😄 BTW.. this was the logic I tried to use to stay positive last week. Hey at least I was trying right??

So I wish I could have used this post today to tell you that our transfer went great and I am currently using every second of my day to pray that those little ones stick.. but instead, my prayers since Thursday are focused around 2 things… 1) that my body takes this time to heal completely and gets its act together to be the best it can be and 2) that God calms my heart and gives me peace and understanding. 🙏🏼 Cliff and I have talked over and over again about all of this (probably more than he wanted to because I am a girl and don’t know how to stop talking sometimes) but we have decided that for reasons we may never understand, God just decided this wasn’t our month.

I’ve spent WAY too much time trying to figure out why of course. I blame my girl brain for that. Remember when I mentioned all the adulting we have been doing? Our lives this month have been absolutely crazy! Car accidents, funerals, Cliff switching rigs, rental cars, insurance changes, a totaled car and buying a new one.. and that was just the last 2 weeks! 😣 And then add my super important doctor appointments onto all of that last week.. lets just say I have been a little stressed out with life. At first I decided that’s why God didn’t want to throw our transfer on top of everything else but then I realized.. I really don’t need to know why. I just need to trust that he knows best and not let our excellent family ability to be impatient take over. Oh my goodness we are SO impatient!!

Now please read the following sentence in the most energetic, sarcastic tone you can..

⇒ Our next steps involve doing something new that we have never had to do before!!!! ⇐

We have to wait…

We have to wait for about 2 weeks or until my next cycle starts on its own, whichever comes first. HA! My body doing something on time when its supposed to?? I cant even say that with a straight face! So most likely we will be waiting the full 2 weeks before we can call the doctor and get to work on trying all over again to do this thing. But until then, I am determined to be happy and full of positivity. Everyone has been saying the same phrase to me over and over again and as much as I hate it, I’m going to use it here.. After everything we have been through over the past 2 1/2 years, what’s another month? …I even just annoyed myself by typing that.. but its absolutely true. We want to do this right no matter how long it takes! To continue with my determination to be happy and positive.. here’s a funny picture of a confused Righley on her dog bed after she snapped at a fly and it died in front of her and also, here’s some glitter.. ♥